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To come full circle is to realize that all of our chasing has brought us no peace. All of our concepts, fears, desires, approval-seeking, fantasizing, and making things happen has only made us tired of looking outside ourselves for happiness. Even after my initial spiritual awakening, I still believed I was somebody with something to prove. In my purification, all of those tendencies that would pull me out of the God Self were magnified. It was a difficult journey because my mind’s
conditioning was strong and supported by the collective consciousness, which has us believe that happiness comes from attaining things and gaining respect from others. Doubt would say things like, “You can’t just stay inside yourself and listen to those promptings. You must do something or be somebody.” Guilt would have me believe that I was a lazy, unsociable person, for needing the silence that is required to listen and be nourished. Fear would tell me things like, “Look at all the atrocities in the world. You can’t trust God.”
Eventually I became exhausted and disinterested enough to desire the place in which I was always happiest – the deep Self.
I once had a beautiful meditation experience in which I was falling into the most delicious inner sanctuary. I kept going deeper and luxuriating in the bliss, when
suddenly my mind/ego jumped up and said, “Is this okay? Shouldn’t you be doing something constructive?” Because of the joy I was feeling, the voice was a clear
distortion of the truth, and I was able to recognize the ego’s sabotage of true Love. I realized that coming full circle and returning to the Garden only comes after experiencing the many games of the ego. We then become bored with our ego identity and no longer believe that its voice is who we really are. We no longer feel bad or guilty about it because our true Self becomes the dominant reality.
Returning home means becoming free of collective beliefs about what is right or what is wrong. My own voice was developing from a deep conviction that arose like a volcano with a power that would not be controlled. Coming full circle is living inside ourselves and trusting ourselves deeply, no longer being pulled into the foundation-less, unforgiving, un-nurturing ego self.
In the movie, The Last Temptation of Christ, Jesus was undergoing his forty days in the desert. He drew a circle around himself and was told by God not to leave it no matter what temptations came his way. When Jesus saw the temptations for what they were, they would dissolve into thin air. Similarly, our temptations arise whenever we doubt or disregard our deepest knowing in favor of some external pull. Yet the resulting games and detours are nonetheless valuable. Even our crooked steps can lead us back to God.
Every action we’ve ever taken has only been another step toward the final merging with the God Self. Our feelings of powerlessness and vulnerability have left us needing to be filled. Our pain has kept us searching. Our striving for our desires has led us to attain them, only to discover that something huge has been missing in our lives. Our hatred, jealousy, and fear have left us out in the cold. The resulting despair has pushed us onward to finally know the Love that we are.
Our struggling has tired us and made us unhappy, so that in our unhappiness we have strived for the Truth. Our grieving has opened our hearts causing us to cry to the Creator for help. Our moments of true peace have reminded us of what can be. When we have felt as though we cannot take another step using our own strength, we have fallen to our knees in preparation for the supreme initiation. For the marriage to our divine Self that breathes our breath, performs our actions, lives our life, and fills our empty vessel so that we can live forever in the heart of God.
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