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Sitting today in some kind of in between plane, feeling a bit raw and undefined. Reading up posts that are being shared with uplifting messages about growing awareness. My journey over the past 40 years is coming to some kind of renewal again. As I have experienced so many, yet this one feels different. How come this is feeling more undefined as to those points of change where it was clear what I was dealing with. Something was triggered yesterday, bringing up familiar memories about lifetimes with the red threat of female domination and violence. It is yet again a new round on the spiral of life, only this one combines it all together.
You know the first recollection you have growing up as a child, where the differences between a boy and a girl are still a mystery. To discover we are not the same, nor physical neither emotional was for me quite a shock. Never being afraid of the boys in my neighborhood, playing soccer with them, being the tomboy I was. Until some guy at school, a bit older and the brother of one of my classmates found it necessary to threaten me. First time I actually was afraid, because of his sadistic energy. I got support so it didn’t escalated in anything else. Yet, it triggered something within me. My innocence or maybe ignorance was shattered in those encounters.
It made me more aware of the way some souls have chosen a different journey to walk this lifetime. He was a bully, enjoyed the fear he created as well his physical power. I got my own personal guardian angel to stand by me and changed the entire situation for the better for me. The experience stayed with me for a while, till I moved to another school and I never saw him again. It set the tone in my teenage years at first, scanning the energy of the guys around me. It raised a red flag every time I came across any one with that kind of imprint. It is more than the threat, it is also about the feeling being a subject, instead of a person.
This dehumanizing is key in the abuse of women as well men. The way this has its impact on the development of a human being is monumental. It causes so many traumatic experiences, so many dissociation in order to survive abuse physical, emotional, mentally and sexual. The wounds are deep. Healing processes are hard and difficult most of the time. Because of this dehumanizing, the knowing of who you are is been shattered. It is shielded and protected within all the layers that were build around it during the abusive experiences. The way how to respond and react to the outside world is colored by the survival mode.
The damage on the personal levels, who I am, is massive. The way back is long and hard in order to understand you are more then the abused. Self-love, self-worth and believe in self are words, not experienced emotions or feelings. The importance of learning to love yourself is major, it is key in every healing moment. Doubt will always be part of the situation, because the dominator will have made it clear you are worth nothing. Only to serve as a toy for pleasure, obedience and at will. I am not talking about willingly participation. I am talking about empowerment, how to regain our own power back with a loving approach. Instead of sabotage, denial, anger, shame, sorrow and all the emotions that come with it.
All those emotions are coloring your personality. They create masks to hide behind in order not to be detected. Or to keep the secret about the abuse. Specially the sexual abuse from an early age on is damaging for the development of the psyche. There is no knowledge about I am, who am I. It may take years before this is going to be explored and with therapy and treatment to unlock this. The shelters are needed to keep women and children safe, the secret houses. It’s all part of our society, in a universal way. For it happens all over the world in so many ways. So,what does it mean, I am? Is it identifying with all the masks? Or is about regaining confidence and learning to know yourself in a totally different fashion?
Learning I am not just a survivor, I am not just a victim, is a major step for those who have been abused. It is hard work to process through all the layers and belief systems that were created along the way as well. In order to heal the trauma, it takes a lot of patience, loving and tender care, consideration, as well acknowledgement. It needs validation and acceptance, allowing of the memories and emotions that come up. All this can only be achieved in a safe surrounding, so the triggers will be less and trust is key as well. How can I trust myself, if I do not know how to do so? How can I love myself, if I never learned there is an I am. Digging deep within the layers of the onion to come back to the root of self.
Love isn’t to be trusted initially, because it may come with an agenda. Step by step this journey may enfold and the littlest spark that lies beneath all the rubble, might start to glow again until it sparks up and lights up the room. The inner sanctuary in the Heart of the matter. The retreat of the Inner Child which holds all the memories in order to bring them to light for healing. The first time you experience I am more then all that has happened on me, to me. The knowing that comes with it, when you know I am and I matter. I am not just the abused, I am a person with love to give and I am learning to receive
The words I AM are being used a lot in all the spiritual messages. Yet the first acknowledgement of I Am, is of major importance in order to stand for yourself. To be able to feel you are worth to be alive and worth to be loved, as well share love. This is a process a lot of people are going through all over the world. They need to be validated and acknowledged. Yet, most of all they need to be loved and cared for. They need to learn to trust as much as we need to prove we are to be trusted. It will be challenging for everyone. It will take time in order to heal and to learn how valuable each soul is. How sacred and loved each soul is. To integrate the loving connection is master key in order to establish healing.
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So I am and I am all of that
High Self @RheaDopmeijer ©
Heartfelt Messages 9-1-2018