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The world is changing.
I hear people say this a lot. They could be talking about what they see on the news every day or maybe they are upset at the shift of family values and want things to be like they were. Perhaps they are referring to the speed at which technology is spinning, much like an atom smashing particle accelerator and they feel they can’t keep up. Others, like me, notice the subtler changes. Like the shadow work being done within to bring the darker aspects into the light. More and more people are waking up. They’re asking questions, getting clearer, and paying attention to how they feel. Me too.
I put distance between my family and I. I moved away and started to figure out what I liked and didn’t like in my work life. I fed my intellect and learned some new skills. Found my first love and left with my hopes unsatisfied. Traveled extensively to 11 countries and lived and worked while in Europe. Came back to the same old, same old. Moved away farther still and started a new career that would last the next 8 years. I learned to fish and hunt for food and learned to enjoy solitary walks on long beach stretches. Later on I took a vacation that introduced me briefly to Texas, Mexico, and Belize.
Something was still off. I was drowning my sorrows and not enjoying the hangovers. I found myself avoiding my own eyes in the mirror. I looked around for some professional help and with some guidance I made one of the best decisions of my life in my own self care. 19 years ago I took some of my power back. It was terrifying yet magical. Opening doors, closing others. I could not have foreseen then how it would turn out for me. I still needed to learn how to set boundaries.
I was unable to say no to people, when asked to add more on my plate. I was unaware of this weakness, so conditioned to people please and ignore my own voice pleading with me to stop or slow down and enjoy life. My friends would comment often, “I don’t know how you do it!”
From the outside looking in, it looked efficient, organized, well put together, and easy. It wasn’t. For me, deep down, I was living a lie and it was making me act out in passive-aggressive crazy ways.
Something had to change.
I was trying to be different, but that didn’t feel right.
It didn’t feel right to stay stuck in party mode. So, I found other friends and did other more enjoyable things.
It didn’t feel right to stay with people who said they loved me, but hurt me with words, actions or deeds.
It didn’t feel right to do work that didn’t feel aligned or inspired by my purpose or would help others.
It didn’t feel right to want to be generous and be told that I was too giving.
It didn’t feel right to follow the advice of others when I wanted to do it so differently from an intuitive knowing.
It didn’t feel right to speak my truth only to have others tell me I was wrong.
It didn’t feel right to be curious and to be told not to waste my time on this or that…to be shut down.
I thought I was wrong to feel so different but I didn’t understand then what those feelings were trying to tell me. Those feelings were my guidance for the direction on each and every decision I was making. Like solar lights along the walkway of life, they are guiding me to trust in myself. Feel the feels. Stay the course. See the magic that is LIFE.
I had to let go of more.
So about 7 years ago, my marriage came apart. My values were tested. My beliefs have been challenged. These have been some of the most trying days of my life and some of the most enlightening.
I have had to ask myself real, hard, and laser truthful questions about the way I perceive the world and my role in it.
I have had to lighten up.
As I find myself once more on the rung of independence and establish myself more securely on my path, I am coming alive again. Trusting my inner guidance. Being vigilant about my self care.
Every day my world is changing.
Nourishing my body with strong energy foods, getting restful sleep, taking time to enjoy my own company. Writing and speaking about my story is healing to me and hopefully others.
With friends and relationships, more often than not, the connections are loving and deep, meaningful and respectful. There is more attention on the NOW.
Today I give and get more hugs, more I love yous, more quality time with family doing what we all like to do. I make myself more available when needed.
I enjoy more time freedom to do the things I love to do. I offer programs and look for resources that create lasting changes in the lives of the people that work with me with more ease and joy. I love what I do now with my whole heart.
Leaving everything that I knew 20 odd years ago was the most inspired thing I could ever have done with my life.
The fact that I did, was so against what I knew to be true back then. My conditioning, my beliefs, my comfort zones…all made me question my sanity.
It took courage to do what I did, to walk away, to spend time alone listening to my inner voice and not the points of view of others.
It still takes courage today to lead with my heart and not my head in my chosen career. To follow what feels good and resonates with my soul. To be in service to others while setting boundaries to stay true to myself. To be passionate about my beliefs.
It takes courage to want to make a difference in the world and lead people to their own shifts. I wouldn’t change any of it.
I AM choosing to live life through the open loving space in my heart.
What do you choose?
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