Taking a look back on this year, I see that it has been a year of great importance to me. Not because of any amazing stuff or things I have done or achieved or that happened. As a matter of fact it is quite the opposite. This year I began to accept that I don’t have to make a lot of noise, trying to make this world a better place. I am beginning to understand, that it is alright just to be here. I understand, that I don’t have to “be good enough” or “be enough” to be living here on earth and I see that I don’t have to do something to be worthy of a life. I understand, that I don’t need just to struggle for surviving. I’m allowed to exist, allowed to live my life in a way that I find joyfully and secure!
What I can face now, at the end of this Year, is the fact that I have become better at “being me.” To be Myself.
I remember that I had this wish way back, when I was 25. Somebody asked me, what I would like to achieve in life. ”I would like to be Myself” I replied. “To be the same person in all the contexts I am part of.” He then expressed a minor psychological-philosophical treatise about why I should not expect that to be feasible. Nevertheless, I believe that the original deeply felt wish inside of me, to be myself, has been with me through the years – as an inner intention – to orientate my life toward that one direction. To be yourself. To be your true self. Can you ask for anything more than that?
With an almost innate inferiority, spiced with the archetypal inferiority which probably lies to women in general, I have always had a tremendous desire to be seen, validated and acknowledged.
My first many years of life were all about making my father proud of me. When I was 28 years old and had completed a good exam, he said: “I’m proud of you daughter.” I was deeply puzzled. I felt nothing when he said it, and then it dawned on me, that not even my father’s validation, was something to strive for.
But it is difficult, as a human, or at least as a human like me, not to strive. I suppose that striving in a way has been the fuel, that kept me going. I have metaphorically surfed the gigantic waves, I’ve been “riding wild horses” and have tamed my own being, so I could be part of this community of humans. It has demanded a great inner strength of me. At the same time I have, according to vestiges of other incarnations, assigned myself to play the character of a hero, in the theater of this life. So even though I have had a primary goal, to be myself, I’ve got it mixed up and thought that was the same as being a hero.
Therefore, I have forcefully moved myself forward. I’ve been looking for areas where I could use my fighting spirit. I fought and fought until finally in the middle of this year 2014, I had to realize how deeply this pattern, had a hold of me. And realize that a pattern was all that it was. It was not me.
To be yourself does not mean to be a hero! Being yourself means to trust that what I do is good enough. I’m beginning to believe in that. That what I do, is good enough. When I dress up with that energy, when I walk around with that attitude, I can feel that it is so contagious, that others begin to trust, that they also, are allowed to be themselves. And to believe, that what they do, is good enough.
Becoming Oneself, is probably always a journey closer to what I, in lack of a better word, call God …
When I look back at the year, it is especially with gratitude for the experiences I have had with my two wonderful boys. There is no doubt that they teach me all the things that are most important for me to learn.
I have also got myself a kind of “new” family: The members and teachers at the Coach training I have participated in. I am sure that they have helped me improve my relations with the rest of my biological family. Something I also have appreciated much. I am very happy for all the experiences of community and solidarity that I have had in this regard.
In addition, I have been particularly grateful for the profound experiences I have had in relationships with other people, where, without experiencing any embarrassment it was possible to express and share the words of the Lord’s Prayer.
With this prayer, I will like to wish all my brothers and sister of this world a Happy, Joyfully and peaceful New Year.